I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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