apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Your cock deserves a montage
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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