I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
