This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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