I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
