I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
