I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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