the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
