We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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