You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Im part way to drunk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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