is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
