I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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