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today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
