i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
