she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
