if you like me you must not know who I am
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I am midnight drunk by noon
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
