Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
