Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
