Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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