I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
