there's paper in my vomit.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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