I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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