It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You need Xanax blowdarts
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
