im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
