as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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