Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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