so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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