do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
