I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
