her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
