One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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