the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
