Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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