Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
