I faked an abortion last night.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
