all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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