this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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