you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
