I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
