the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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