i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
