I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
