do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
