Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
