It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
