he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
