Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
