Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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