...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
