The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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